Dear men, when you were a child have you ever been told ‘boys don’t cry’ or to ‘man up’? Have you ever been taught that men don’t share their feelings, they have to be strong?
Have you ever been told you’re ‘too sensitive’?
Have you ever been told that can’t play with a certain toy because ‘they’re not for boys’?
Have you ever had an interest in something like dancing, acting or art and had those interests crushed because they’re not manly pursuits?
If so, I feel for you, genuinely, it sucks to be restricted and put into a mental prison for no good reason.
You are all victims of toxic masculinity.
Often misunderstood or intentionally misused by those wishing to perpetuate it and prop up the patriarchy, toxic masculinity primarily hurts men and as a side effect bleeds into society as a whole, causing untold damage.
It doesn’t mean all men are bad, far from it, it’s simply pointing out that men are put under pressure from birth and expected to be a certain way, but not every man fits. People are complex and the idea of being a man is based on outdated ideas and stereotypes that are no longer relevant or true.
What does being a man mean?
I don’t know actually. I have no gender dysphoria and feel comfortable calling myself a man, but I also know I’m not a typical man in the sense that the world expects certain things from me and I’m not that.
I don’t like football, I don’t eat meat, I’m not big and burley, I’m not bullish, I share my feelings openly, love a good cry and occasionally put on a dress because it’s fun and I look good.
Yes, I’m a beta, cuck, soy boy, apparently.
At some point in my life, my early 20’s I think, I started to take delight in discovering things I liked that didn’t align with ideas about masculinity. I didn’t drink much then and I remember being at a bar with my girlfriend and ordering drinks, she asked for a beer and I’d been studying the cocktail menu, I had no idea what things were, so I ordered something that sounded nice from the description.
I came back to the table with beer for my girlfriend and I had a cosmopolitan. I loved it, but I was also very aware of the gender swap taking place with our drinks.
This discovery made me happy and I even remember going to a pub once and (to my shame) asking the bar staff what the girliest drink on the menu was.
But when you think about it, why the hell are drinks gendered? Isn’t that just fucking weird?
It’s one of the invisible rules of society that are based on absolutely nothing and only serve to restrict our joy and ability to experiment or play.
From then on, gender norms for me started to unravel and I realised how ridiculous and restrictive they are for everyone.
Toxic masculinity also reveals a deeps rooted distain for women and femininity.
Colours. Even simple colours are gender coded, it’s ridiculous and subject to change anyway depending on fashion trends.
Toxic masculinity is misogynistic as well as being incredibly homophobic. Any man that expresses any feminine traits are subject to ridicule by other men. Being gay is the worst thing you can be, because that’s like being a woman!
Why is being a woman, or being womanly so bad? Why don’t men want to be associated with those ideas and behaviours?
Because they know how badly they’d be treated and they don’t want to lose their male privilege. In other areas of life, like when scapegoating minorities, people would rather be the oppressor.
Once again, ideas about what a woman is and how they should behave are deeply rooted in the patriarchy and traditional, conservative, religious ideology. Completely made up, just like all of human society.
Being gay also doesn’t mean those men will behave in a feminine way, they’re not all drag queens! A lot of gay men are incredibly masculine and (that comes with its own set of toxic traits) I can’t think of anything more masculine than two men fucking.
Men apparently take a special interest in ancient Rome, but ignore how gay it was, or maybe they don’t and they’re secretly curious and that’s why they study it?
Stereotypical ideas about what it means to be a man need to die.
Real men eat meat, drink beer, watch or play sports, they’re providers, hunters, they kill animals, they’re leaders, protectors, they have beards, short hair, they’re disciplined, they’re brave, not afraid to fight, they don’t cry, they’re not emotional, they’re in charge of their household, they earn good money, drive fast cars, they have obedient wives, but they’re also promiscuous, they’re dominant and powerful…
But where’s the kindness? Where’s the reality?
Sure, there are some seemingly good qualities in there, like being a provider and protector, but what happens if you can’t be those things?
I’ll get to that in bit.
I quite like the definition of a gentleman though:
A gentleman is a man characterized by courtesy, honour, politeness and high moral standards, treating others with respect and consideration.
Key traits include being well-mannered, empathetic, often marked by charm, modesty and tact.
We need more gentlemen, we need Clark Kent’s, men who display positive masculinity, to be role models and to normalise showing kindness and vulnerability.
The current rise is misogyny is alarming and largely due to influencers on social media like Andrew Tate who prey on vulnerable young men and perpetuate ideas about men and the patriarchy that are toxic.
Historically, men/humans in general, have been through countless changes in fashion and behavioural expectations. They change over time because we make them up! Diversity is natural and things aren’t binary, any biologist will tell you that.
Clothes maketh the man they say. No, no they don’t, we’re more than our clothes or how we look, not all men have beards or ripped bodies, we’re diverse but society has a very narrow view of what is acceptable and if we don’t fit, if we’re not normal men, we’re outcast.
It’s a lot of pressure. That pressure has negative consequences, some might even say toxic.
If you’re a man and you look at the huge list of things a man is supposed to be it can be overwhelming and what if you can’t live up to it?
What if you’re not earning good money, but you work hard? You feel like a failure, but that’s not your fault, it’s capitalism.
But that feeling of failure comes from outdated ideas about gender roles, patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
You feel bad because you’re not a good provider, men are the hunters! Erm, no, not anymore, should we be perpetuating 10,000 year old survival tactics?
This shit doesn’t apply to the modern world, let it go.
Men are supposed to have high body counts (sex, not murder. Oof, that was really dark) obedient wives or girlfriends.
Gross. There’s nothing wrong with slutty behaviour for anyone, by the way. But the obedient wife thing is about ownership and male dominance. But women have it so much better now.
Do they though?
Supposedly there’s a male loneliness epidemic, boo fucking hoo.
If that’s the case, then surely there must also be a female loneliness epidemic too?
We’re talking about heterosexual relationships here. Apparently more women are choosing to be single now but they’re not complaining about it.
Side note – Feminism often gets the blame for this, men complain and say things like they’re ‘Looking for a traditional wife’ but we all know what they mean. Historically women have been trapped in relationships in order to survive, women couldn’t vote, couldn’t have their own bank accounts, couldn’t go to the pub alone! This is recent history, in people’s living memory. But now women have more rights, men can’t control them and have to face the fact that they’re not as high value as they think they are. Men actually need to have a personality, be kind, respect other’s autonomy and grow up, as a bare minimum. Simply bringing home a wage so you have a domestic slave won’t fly anymore.
But the emphasis is on the poor men, because misogyny centres only the male perspective and minimises the female one.
This highlights a few problems, ingrained misogyny which they consider to be normal, traditional and right. Indoctrination from living in a patriarchy. There’s a gross subtext to the MLE that implies men are owed access to women’s bodies and they’re being denied/withheld and that’s a punishment from women/feminists. Another misconceptioin that feminism is a man-hating ideology.
That percieved denial has nothing to do with punishing men. Women are simply choosing autonomy and doing whatever the Hell they want to.
It seems for a lot of men their self worth comes from their ability to meet women or be in a relationship, to be attractive and desirable. I think everyone wants to feel those things, but it’s not our only measure of self worth.
This is where people like Andrew Tate sweep in, they devalue women, teach techniques on control and manipulation, although I have no idea how effective they are. I think women are too savvy to fall for negging etc. Young men are sold these ideas, literally!
In order to feel a sense of self and worth, men have embraced gym bro culture, strength equals good, aggression, danger, dominance, money, cars, cigars, meat, YEAH! MEN!
But are these men actually happy? If they’re partnered, are their partners happy?
Are they a safe person to be around?
All this manosphere stuff needs to be mercilessly mocked and shamed into oblivion. I don’t condone bullying, I prefer open dialogue and learning experiences, but nah, these arseholes deserve erasure and their ideology lost.
Men are confused enough without these snake oil salesmen making things worse.
I watched the Louis Theroux documentary recently and it was pretty disgusting. For so many reasons, I’d need a separate post to break it all down.
But a couple of things really struck me, firstly two fans/followers that Louis talked to separately, away from the influencers, said primarily the reason they like these douche bags is because they’re providing pathways out of poverty. One guy was living in his car and clearly wanted help to improve his situation and help his family, he mentioned his mother. They didn’t mention the misogyny aspect, which doesn’t mean it isn’t there, just that their primary reason was wealth acquisition. They also talked about the Matrix and how that means being stuck in a poorly paid 9-5 job, running the rat race etc.
They were soooo close to realising that the Matrix is in fact capitalism, patriarchy and all the trappings on gender normativity. The influencers must realise this, well some of them at least, (HStikkytokky seemed quite naive and basic) and they’ve twisted it to benefit themselves, creating an intangible scapegoat (as well as women and feminism) mixed in with conspiracy theory.
It’s effective because it’s based on people’s real lived experiences, the people who believe it already have proof (struggling to survive) and they’ve been offered an explanation. It’s close to the truth, but pushes them to a more libertarian mindset and reinforces Right wing ideologies, patriarchy and capitalism.
The fix is simple, do what traditional, conservative, religious Right wing men are afraid of and destroy the idea of what it means to be that type of man.
Challenging these ideas is liberation, but will be called an attack on men/masculinity and an erosion of society. The manosphere chodes will do their best to fight against it.
The goal of destroying this current manosphere archetype is to liberate, not just men themselves, but everyone. By giving men more choice, more valid ways of being doesn’t mean that traditional men will vanish entirely, but it will hopefully open their eyes and make them realise that they’re not trapped in a gender role if it’s making them unhappy.
Maybe that will alleviate some shame, anger and make them question their misogyny?
Nothing bad will happen if men are allowed to openly talk about their feelings, in fact suicide rates might decrease! If communication skills are improved, then chances are their relationships with everyone around them will also improve.
If men are allowed to wear pink and dance simply because they like it without fear of ridicule or being punched, then confidence and happiness will improve.
Men should be able to play, they should be able to wear a dress, try some make up, drink a cosmopolitan and have a skin care regime all without being judged or having their masculinity called into question, regardless of orientation.
Will people be confused if that happens? Maybe, but you could simply ask, or mind your own business.
All of these things are completely harmless and fun, why should anyone be punished for simply wearing clothes or drinking a certain drink?
We have arbitrarily assigned values to these things in the past, so we can change them again in the present and future, it simply requires consensus and normalisation.
Not all men will want to do this of course, some will happily stick to the stereotypes, but if we can foster an environment of acceptance, then all the other men that do want to play will be much happier if they can at least try things without punishment.
If society was more permissive everyone would benefit and be less afraid to show themselves.
Ending toxic masculinity sounds like a pretty great idea to me.
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